I don't know about you, but the tension in the last 5 or so years in this country where I live, America, has almost been too much.  For me.  No doubt.  Charleston.  Election 2016 (I'm not talking about who you voted for, I love you no matter who you voted for- and I think very cool, loving, lovely people came to very different conclusions about what box they checked on election day- I don't think that whatever box they checked that day or any day after that made them evil or my enemy - I've got one enemy- and he's not from these parts- more on that- maybe- later).  Charlottesville - torches- fire.  The language around kneeling during the anthem (again- its not the kneeling or the standing that gets me... its how we talk about the PEOPLE involved- because they are people... yes, they are).  Mosques bombed.  Synagogues bombed.  Churches bombed.  Real bombs.  Verbal bombs.  In my mind both the literal and the verbal kill.  I'll share that from my own perspective.  There is a phrase from when I was a girl (not sure if its still swirling around today's generation and not sure when it originally sprouted up): "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me".  Well, for me- that don't ring true.  The words that have been part of the public dialogue, sometimes seen on the news and sometimes seen in my facebook feed, sometimes coming from a public leader and sometimes coming from a Facebook or social media acquaintance..... sometimes the words are worse than sticks or stones.

In a recent conversation with a friend, and in a not so recent conversation with a family member - I shared that sometimes the words I see or hear feel like a knife in my stomach- deep - to the gut.  And honestly, the words were almost too much.   What do I mean?  I'll be frank here- for the sake of love. For the sake of peace.  For God's sake.  Seriously.  I don't say that lightly.  I have wanted to die at times because of the words----- yes - WORDS - they have been killing me--- daggers in my heart.  I am white (at least in the box I have to check for this, that and the other thing)- but for whatever reason, God gave me a heart that feels things that are said to or about others that are not in-my-box white, or in-my-box Christian, or in-my-box straight, or in-my-box middle class, or in-my-box....

I am starting to understand more and more that just because other friends and family don't feel the dagger when these words are said- that does not make them necessarily racist or sexist or homophobic or xenophobic or classist -or elitist or....  I have learned that some of those same people who SEEMINGLY CAN'T HEAR the hate or pain I hear/feel, did hear it at once - and they heard A LOT of it--- and then, in order to survive, they adapted by tuning it out... So they don't hear it anymore.  They grew up with their father or mother or... calling them an idiot.... and eventually, to survive, they tuned it out.  So, now when they see or hear it- they don't recognize it- or it doesn't feel like a sharp knife.  I feel it.  They don't.  Not because they are jerks or heartless - or heartless jerks... but because they learned to tune it out for survival - otherwise it would have been too much for them...

Now, there are also just personality differences- so what bothers one person doesn't bother another.  Thin skin.  Thick skin.

But - please hear me out on this.... just because we don't see things the way another does or understand their hurt does not let us off the hook....

Example- Let's say I'm crying (cause- ya know, that happens sometimes- just every once and awhile, or maybe, maybe more...).... My thick skinned friend sees me crying.  She asks what's wrong.  I tell her that I was watching the news and I saw that a mosque was bombed by some people who are afraid of Muslims- so they bombed a mosque.  I'm bawling.

Friend:  Why are you so upset Emily?  Things like this happen all the time.  People do stupid things.
Me:  But people have died.  And then the news interviewed someone and he said that they deserved it- because they are Muslims.  How awful is that?  They deserved it?  Because of their religion? Seriously?  (I'm bawling again)
Friend:  Well- that is a really stupid thing to say.  It's awful.  But people just say stupid things.  Don't let it bother you.
Me: I CAN'T not let it bother me.  It felt like a knife in my stomach when i heard that.  I am hurting
Friend:  Did you know anyone that was killed?
Me: No
Friend:  Oh (now confused again- mind you, this friend is a fabulous, loving person who would do anything for me and would not say the words that so hurt me).  So I don't understand why you are so upset.  I mean, its definitely sad- awful... but there is just a lot of bad in the world. You can't get upset
every time something like this happens.  I feel bad for the families, too - but you don't have to be so upset..
Me:  I can't help it- its just in me... (i keep bawling).  It is so sad to me that there is so much hate in this world.  How will people have hope, know love when stuff like this happens?  What are the families feeling right now? I wonder who all is left behind... I wonder when the last time they saw their loved one.... And what on earth?  What do you think they felt when someone (maybe even someone who says they are a Christian) said that they DESERVED it?  Who deserves that?  What person?  People have lost sons and daughters - mothers - fathers.... friends... and this person's first response is: "They deserved it".  Something is wrong with that - very wrong.  They don't acknowledge that someone has died or that someone has lost someone they loved- they just say "they deserved it".    If that is the attitude of much of the world- I don't like that world.  I imagine a lot of people don't want to be in that kind of world.  I don't.  A world where we point fingers before we have enough heart to say- SOMEONE HAS DIED... I don't know the circumstances ... I don't know if someone is at fault... but above all else... a mother or father has lost a child or a child has lost a parent - or a brother a sister - or a friend, or friend..... if we can't start there..... this world is a sad, sad place....  I can't live in a world like that.  So, what--- what can I do... If I can't live in it "as is" right now, I either call it quits myself (all too seriously considered that on a number of occasions) OR, I speak the language I can live with -and hope to God that others hear it, too.  I speak LOVE.  First.  Always.  And above all things.  That is the only way I can survive this crazy world.  Silence doesn't work,  not for me.  In the Old Testament of the Bible, in the Book of Psalms, Chapter 32, verse 3 it says this:  "When I kept silent, my bones wasted away, and I groaned all day long".

That was me- is me - and will be me.... if I keep silent when I feel those knives in my heart.  So, what do I do- what can I do?    What - if you get daggers, too, what can you do?   What can we do?

SAY SOMETHING.  Speak love.  Share your daggers.  Share your love.  The world needs it.  I need it.  Will you join me?  You don't have to agree with me, or with "them"  . You don't have to understand the daggers- why they hurt.  JUST CARE THAT I'M BLEEDING.   PLEASE CARE THAT "THEY" ARE BLEEDING.  if you care for me, I'm asking you to SAY SOMETHING when someone pierces a dagger into me or  "them", even if the "them" isn't at all like you.... because he or she or they still have a heartbeat, and a mother, a father, and perhaps a son or a daughter.  We were all born with a heart, and we all - to quote a dear hero of mine, Richard Overton- (a hero I did not meet this side of heaven)- "We all bleed red".  And - in other words, to quote another hero that I did meet, John Perkins, we are "one blood".

Some friends and I are on embarking on a journey to SAY SOMETHING about the daggers.  Now, we don't all have the same daggers that hurt us.  And so, while at sometimes we will SAY SOMETHING, other times we will need to LISTEN as others SAY SOMETHING.

So, please join me. Please join us, before we all are tone-deaf to love.  Because I don't know about you, but I CANNOT live without love.  Are you ready?  Here we go.  Its not going to be easy.  It will probably be very awkward and crazy hard at times.  but i think we've got to do it.  I know i have to.  I think it will be worth it.  And for me, it is literally do or die.  I think it is for a lot of us.  So are you in?  For me?  For "them"..... for love's sake?  Please say yes... I need you.  we need you.  We need love - more than anything else- and perhaps more now than ever before - more than ever before in my lifetime.
-----
So, what are we working on (aside from the general idea of love)?
Its a project- or something like that...
If we had to give it a name, here is a starting point (but not necessarily the final name):

HOPE FOR SEEING IN 2020:  SAY SOMETHING

(The above pic was done in watercolor by my oldest daughter, Muriel.  I didn't ask her to to do it- she just did- how cool is that?!?!)

From this point on I will be using this space, this blog to hopefully do the following:
-  share or say something myself- share what it is that breaks my heart- not just so that you hear me go on and on on some soap box, but so that you would hear my heart- and perhaps in hearing my heart, your heart might be closer connected to either my heart and/or someone else's, so that in hearing a little (or more) something from me, you hear a perspective that is different (or not) from your own- and your vision is expanded.... not because I think I have the best vision/view but rather because I think we honestly can see a fuller picture of things when we have more than one set of eyes looking at things
- listen to what another is saying (that another includes you!)
- communicate about something good or positive out there/ out here- to hopefully encourage at least one other person to keep going in this world that has a lot of hard stuff going on - it may be silly, it may be intense- goal is that it would encourage someone
- AND, if you have something to say, a dagger you want to share, this space is for you, too
and some friends and I are also working on creating some space for more sharing of daggers/hurts... space to say something and hear others say something  .... where we will talk and listen... and hopefully at the end feel more loved-more heard (not necessarily agreed with- but at the lest listened to and cared for)  more like we are part of a greater existence of all of humanity - a humanity that all should love and be loved- no matter what box or boxes we check or are checked for us
-  we love you, I love you NO MATTER WHAT- please hear that loud and clear, and if you have a story to share about not feeling loved or connected, please contact me and my friends, Bert and Xochitl, we will be listening- for real-
With Love from America and for America and all of the world,
Emily on behalf of Bert, Xochitl and me